


I’m Kylo Ren and I Killed My Dad

by Magichemistry



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, F/M, Murder, Self-harming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 21:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14144490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magichemistry/pseuds/Magichemistry
Summary: Hello. My name is Kylo Ren and I killed my dad. Now, before we go further in this story I want to state I didn’t hate my father. At some point I thought I did but doing some self-inspection I realize I didn’t.





	I’m Kylo Ren and I Killed My Dad

**Author's Note:**

> Probably something different of what you were expecting but I wanted to try something different. Anyway, I hope you like it.

_Hello. My name is Kylo Ren and I killed my dad. Now, before we go further in this story I want to state I didn’t hate my father. At some point I thought I did but doing some self-inspection I realize I didn’t._

_My former name is Ben Solo, son of Han Solo and Leia Organa. Yes, it’s correct what you’re thinking. I’m son of two of the biggest celebrities in the galaxy. As a child I remember my room full of toys, the kitchen full of food, my closet full of new clothes and my days full of expensive schools and classes._

_I also remember a pair of golden dices hanging on the Millenium Falcon, my father’s ship. I remember taking some rides with him, Chewbacca and his friend, Lando Calrissian. Apparently, my childhood was surrounded by famous people._

_From my childhood I also have present the loneliness, you can say I was always one of those weird kids who couldn’t fit in anywhere. I didn’t have friends, I preferred to stay at my room reading comics. When you’re alone no one can judge you, no one can reject you. A person can only stand certain number of rejects until they become bitter and reject the other people first._

_Since I have memory, I feel a darkness beating inside of me, some days is there at the front, other days is hidden. Not even me can predict when it’ll appear. For you to understand it better you can imagine that darkness as a black liquid who sticks to everything. A boiling black liquid that burns where it walks. And where there’s a burn, there’s always a scar. At this point, my soul is more scarred than my body. But you learn to live with it, you know? There’s no evil that lasts a hundred years and you even learn how to enjoy the pain that darkness provokes. You learn to admire those scars, the way they look, the sensation they give you. Just one more cut, one more hit, one more damage. Oh dearly darkness, will you give me my dose? Because sometimes whining, crying, praying or any of those coping mechanisms aren’t enough. I have an engine inside of me and I really want to use it to crash into the wall._

_“You’ll have fun”, “It’s for your own good”, “No, Ben, of course we’ll miss you” are lines that my mother used repeatedly when they sent me to Luke Skywalker. Oh, I forgot to mention: my uncle is Luke Skywalker. Told you, surrounded by famous people. By that time I was seven, Han and Leia had already signed the divorced. One day, they sat me at the table, each of them at a side. “Ben, we want you to know this is not your fault” Han said in a serious tone I had never heard. Until that moment, it never occurred to me it could be my fault. “I’ll still be around here, to be with you” he promised you. But he was Han Solo, you couldn’t make him promise to stay on one place._

_So the day they sent me to Luke Skywalker my dad and my mom were together in the same room for the first time in two years. Also, it was the first time I saw my dad in one year. If I’m honest, I don’t blame my parents for doing that, I just blamed them for having unprotected sex and becoming parents. My dad never had the Force so he couldn’t understand it, my mom had it but she never had any training in it. I don’t know if I could be proud of this, but not a single tear fell down my face that day. Maybe I was crying inside, maybe I didn’t care enough to cry. Maybe I was just a seven year old kid who didn’t understand that “you’ll be going to train with your uncle” meant I wouldn’t return home ever again._

_I can’t say that those years at the Jedi temple with Luke were a torture, but I can’t say they were a pure joy either. What I can say is that it was when my journey to the Dark side begun._

_I don’t know if it happened to you some time, but you know when everyone around you tells you you’re wrong, you’re bad, you’re evil, you’re weird, you’re a freak and one single voice arrives you telling you the opposite. And even though you know it’s a lie you want to believe it with all your strength because it’s your last resource so you don’t lose yourself. That happened to me with Snoke._

_After killing exactly twenty seven students from the ages to six years to seventeen and only taking six persons to follow my path, Snoke became the liquid black I talked about before. He became my supplier of pain and pleasure and at that point I couldn’t difference between them. How I could not listen to him when he gave me my shoot of dopamine to get stronger, powerful? There was no trace of that weak boy called Ben Solo. There was only Kylo Ren and he was created and put on this universe to be the monster that shall rule it. There was only a single test left to succeed: kill Han Solo._

_I still remember that day on the bridge where it happened, but only little details: the clothes I was wearing, the clothes he was wearing, the inmmense silence around us, the cold permeating our bones._

_He didn’t scold me, he didn’t look at me with anger or disgust. He just wanted to leave all behind and to me to return back with him. With mom. But what he didn’t understand was I wasn’t seeing any of that, at that point I was so intoxicated with the idea of absolute power that the only thing I could see was the color red, a angry color red that made everything around a blur. So I just took off my helmet, because I thought that after all he was my father and he deserved to see my face after so much time, and activated my weapon. I don’t think he suffered. That much. I wish he didn’t. More than a face of pain, he had a face of surprise… and then, he was gone. My task was finally fulfilled. And if you ask me the mere act was pretty simple._

_I know I shouldn’t have killed him. I know it. But if you wonder if I feel guilty, if the nightmares don’t let me sleep and regret eats me alive, then the answer is no. If anything I feel lighter, I got rid of some baggage and now I can walk better. As a kid, I was never beaten, I was never abused. I was just ignored. We weren’t a happy family. We never were. At least I have no memory of that. It would have been the same if I hadn’t killed him. Dead or alive, he was never present in my life. Just because a man begets a child, doesn’t mean that an unbreakable bond of love joins them. He was just a step to get closer to my goal. Cruel? Maybe. Heartless? Definitely. But people everyday everywhere uses other people in worst ways and no one says or do anything. ._

_And the reason I’m telling you all of this is because one day you’ll realize the absolute true of the universe: everyone leaves. You’re always alone. Not even me, not even your mother, not even the person you’ll call love of your life will be always there with you. You’ll die alone. And I want you to know the story from me and not from other persons because you deserve the true. At some point, you’ll watch this recording and you’ll know that if I wasn’t the best father, at least I tried to be honest to you. And then, you’ll be able to decide your path, not influenced by your parents, by your uncle, by external influences or by darkness. Just you making the decision and knowing it’s right. I love you, son. I love your mom. Will it always be like this? I hope so but I’m not sure. Don’t repeat my mistakes, make your own. And if you’re not happy, at least be able to say you tried it._

The recording ends and the holo image of Kylo disappears. You stay sit on the couch where you were seeing it.

“Are you still sure you want to have a child with me?” Kylo’s voice arrives at you from behind. You pounder on his words, the ones on the recording and the ones he has just said. You get up going to him and surround him with your arms.

“Thank you” you say with all the sincerity of which you’re capable. “For letting me know all of that, for doing it for your son”.

“I’m just doing what I believe it’s right”

“Aren’t you afraid it will backfire at you?” you question him.

“I’m the murderer of my own father. Maybe I deserve it” he doesn’t care if the story repeats. Perhaps, it’s the way mean to be.

“And you’re a husband, a father, a leader” you remind him. Just a mistake, no matter how big, defines him.

“You still believe in me, don’t you?” he looks down at you finding your eyes full of hope and admiration.

“I never stopped doing it” you clarify him. He brushes your lips with his gloved thumb. Just a mistake, no matter how big, defines him, he sees in your mind. “It’s what you’re determined to do next that matters”.

“The Force didn’t mistake when it joined us” he thinks if this is what his father felt when he met his mom. No, this is different. He’ll make sure to prove anyone who dares to question him it won’t occur the same. He leans down to kiss you and find inside you, not the light, but the fire that makes him feel alive and powerful. If killing his father was neccesary to arrive to this place, to you, then it was worth it and he thanks him for taking that sacrifice.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come and yell at me: tumblr.com/bad--bad--man


End file.
